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a lil' quiz   
09:06pm 22/08/2003
  alrighty...a lil' quiz i just took:

Schizoid:Very High
Borderline:Very High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Badmitten and Feminism   
06:29pm 29/05/2003
  so at school for pe i play badmitten (oh hell i cant spell it)...any way, we've got eight courts and we're playin singles now.....so we have two groups for this tournament thingy.....one group is courts 1-8, and the other group is courst 9-16......get it so far? well my pe teacher was going to have all of courts 1-8 start out as guys and all of 9-16 start as girls! EXCUSE ME! I DONT THINK SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but there wern't enough guys, so she pulled four girls to be on 1-8....................HOW WRONG IS THAT! excuse me, but i'd like to know exactly where the hell she gets off putting guys on better courts than the girls.........now if a girl wind on court 9, she can then move on up to court 8.....so she's in the group with the guys....and if a guy on court 8 looses, he goes to court 9....and so forth.........but my god! that is just horrible.........the fact that the guys are automatically ahead! they automatically have a better chance of gettin a good grade!!!!!! because a big part of our grade is based on which court we end on! DAMN! THIS IS SO CONTORTED!!!  
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Lone Wolf   
06:25pm 29/05/2003
mood: depressed
at my school, i'm the lone wolf...so to speak.......but i decided to change that this year! i fucking cant stand the girls at my school. they only talk about boys, and what she said to this other girl and how bitchy that was, hair, makeup, clothing, how their gunna fail their (insert idiot class here) final, what they're gunna do after school, how drunk they got such and such a day, and so on and so forth.....and i can't stand it! so in highschool i became the lone wolf...and then i found a few friends...and guess what the hell happened! go ahead and guess!!! they moved, or graduated! all of them.....so sophmore year was an odd year at lunch...and this year (junior year) i decide hell, i'm gunna get myself some ppl to hang with at lunch....and so i do.....i've had friends this whole time, just not people i'd hang with! so i decide to hang with a couple of guys i know.....and soon i'm the only girl that hangs with all them guys...and its not like they talk about anything so much more sophisticated than the girls...it's just not quite so stupid, instead of all this norcisistic stuff they talk about computers, and games, and girls (which is hillarious) and sometimes about semi-meaningful stuff...like their feelings on certian issues (War on Iraq, Patriot Act, religion...and other things).....but they'll go out and do shit (movies, bowling, lake...plans for senior ditch day next year).......and i'm excluded in all of them! why? because i have two legs instead of three, i got two boobs made of more than just fat...im the girl....and these people are having the worst time looking at me as "one of the guys" not that i concider myself a guy...but i'm a person damnit, just a fucking person...and u'd think they'd be able to handle the idea of me goin places with them w/o any sexual tension seeing as i've hung out at lunch with them for a LONG time and i've known them and stuff........but no!! so when they all talk of going here or there....i'm stuck at home, doing nothing....or talking to u fine people (which isn't bad)...but i'm not goin ne where, and i like these people...and they dont do this to be mean...they just cant get that i might wanna hang with them! or maybe they just dont want the girl to ruin they're guy time...but my god it's not like i'm such a girly girl! argh!!! so i guess this is just a rant about how i'm lonely...i want friends to go places with...but i'm not gunna get that in this town, no siree.......................
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12:29pm 23/03/2003
mood: crazy
Sunday, and i've got more homework than i care to think about! i'm tired, and i got homework! what the hell is this about?! man i wish i could sleep, for a long long time! again! damn these posts keep seeming so repetitive...i guess that means there true, very true!
to boot, i'm really kinda confused, well not really...i know but i think i'm confused...because i wont let myself know i know....what i mean is, i've figured some things out about myself, and i know what they are...but i dont want to know them, do i keep thinking to myself that i dont know them, and that i'm confused about them...when really i'm not.............BAH! it's hopeless
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A Day of Nothing...and so much   
02:14pm 09/03/2003
mood: restless
today is sunday...damn...tomorow means skool! and today, is a day of me sitting here wanting to do something, being able to do nothing...and still having to do a damned project for drama...and i'm gettin it done today, later...and i can't do it alone cuz it's a group thing...well i'm just a frustrated person...and restless...definatly! i'm bored really...and stressed of things i must do...so that leads to me being restless...which is horribly not fun! *sighs* well this ranting isn't makin me more occupied...
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Another Friday   
11:46pm 28/02/2003
mood: tired
so yes it is the weekend again....and i am happy about it....but weary of the week! so tired! so very tired! i need a week of sleep, and all i get are two days!!!!!! there has to be a better way to educate today's youth than making them go to school 7 hours a day 5 days a week starting early in the morning......and with hours of homework as well..........so far nothing new has happened really...its all pretty much the same...school, homework, dinner, more homework, bed.....oh except that is a lie...because i just mailed my entry into CSSSA!!! it's a summer school for the arts in southern california...and i hope i get it! oh it'd be awesome....u had to mail a video of urself playing w/e instrument (mine was the piano) playing two contrasting styles of music...so i played the openning theme to Greig's Piano Concerto and a song my dad wrote called Behind the Blue Door which is a jazzy piece........that's deffinatly contrasting....man i hope i get in...
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Loss of a Friend   
07:46pm 25/02/2003
mood: depressed
aw i was getting to know someone very well...and he decides he's gunna cut himself off from the world. he was one of a cold heart before...but seems to wish he can continue it. he has already opened himself up to other people...he wont be able to completely close again. still he tries. and i feel sorry for him...and for myself, because now i've lost someone i cared about...oh it is a horrible thing. and i feel horrible...the sweet taste of death is not mine...because were i to bring it upon myself...it would taste sour....damn the world and the way it works...
Past Weeks   
05:43pm 24/02/2003
mood: confused
these past weekends i've done a 30 hour famine, participated in a Shakespeare Tournament, and gone on a skiing trip! i had a blast at all of those!! yet still....i'm feeling down...how is that? skiing was great...improved and had fun......the Shakespeare thing was a blast as well...we did well plus the people who went were great.......the 30 hour famine was great because the idiots i thought were going to go didnt......yet still this feeling of horrible sadness.....i know i'm this white middle class girl...so what do i have to grieve about? but that makes no sense...because the fact i dont have to worry about food doesn't mean i need not worry about anything! but i do worry about much...my future...my past.......and the present is just too horrible to think on too much.......how i wished i lived in another world completely!
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another Saturday   
11:27pm 01/02/2003
mood: discontent
so today was set-day for the play im in......we're going to a Shakespeare tournament at Chapman University. im a bloody musician...of course...cuz im one of the only musicians in drama....oh well. it's still gunna be awesome! we're doing a 10 minute combination of scenes from Periclese....damn i cant spell....but yeah. and it's hillarious i must say!

though still...the stress of it all pushes hard on the fun......everything still seems to be crashing around me...it seems im holding so much on my showlders, and once one thing is taken away...another comes...heavier...

and now...life has turned...not for the worse, not the best...but just around...its like, it's done a million 180's...so many and so quickly, it's gotten dizzy...so it doesn't know where or how it is anymore...thus my discontent...i am unsure where to go...or how to get there...
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Friday...and then the weekend   
08:14pm 31/01/2003
mood: happy
well, i have found that for my advanced biology project i get to do a thing on the animals on english coat of arms....what had happened was i asked him to do it on english animals, yet he says there arn't many wild ones left...so i kinda waited till he came up with something....and there it was...i'm pretty happy about that

i am doing an adv. drama project on The Way of the World written by William Congreve...first if anyone can help me with this, please do, and second it sounds ilke a FUNNY play...

as for other stuff in my life...well not much is happening....just school......so i guess thats why im actually happy today.....yet tomorow...or a few hours....that can all change...the stress will pop in again tomorow, and i'll start becoming depressed...
10:27pm 30/01/2003
mood: stressed
k...so i've been thinking...yes again i've been thinking...yet i cant think of anything........am i making sense? no, probably not...here ill explain more....i think and think, about so much shit...yet i cant answer any of my questions...i just dont know.....anything.........aw the frustration and horribleness of it all.....BAH!

often i wish to relax, but now i realize, i can never relax...because always i have deadlines for things, upcoming events or work that is due....never is a holiday a real holliday, it's always filled with stress of getting work done, and so on......it is....not good....it isn't right, i feel it isnt right.....yet i have no hope it will change.........
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Today's events   
08:54pm 29/01/2003
mood: irritated
i actually didnt go to school today. i did a drama recruitment thing at the junior high in my town. went around to the classes and did improv games. it was fun really. the bad part is that the idiot kids (8th graders) wont participate in the games. so i'm out there, givin it my all, trying to make it exciting and funny and the kid who's supposed to be doin the game with me is just standing there...the idiots! damned idiots! bah! and to top it off, damned J------ was so wanting to be bossy. i was the "leader" or whatever...except there wasn't really a leader, but whatever....but she thinks just cuz she's done the recruitment before she's the one in charge, except other people have done it before too, and what's more.....she didn't know the damned specifics of this year! BAH! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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Survey stolen from Cermon who stole it from Tony who stole it from Cameron   
08:41pm 29/01/2003
mood: bitchy
hair: half dark brown half black....i dyed it and just havent redied it
eyes: hazel
height: 5'3"

clothing: anything and everything different...and other stuff too...but mainly different stuff
music: everything but rap, r&b, hip-hop, contemp. country, and pop
make up: i dont really use it, except when i wear black to scare people
bodyart: i draw all over my arm...sometimes on my legs too...that count?

listening to: nothin
thinking of: scholarships, track, drama project, poetry contest, adv. biology project, english precis, shakespeare contest,

bought: Dell Axim
read: currently reading A Fire Upon the Deep by Virnor Vinge
watched on tv: i dont remember, dont watch tv

club or houseparty: club
tea or coffee: coffee
achiever or slacker: achiever
beer or cider: Neither
cats or dogs: dog...well i'd like a wolfhound....but i'd rather have a cat if i cant have a wolfhound
single or taken: Single
pen or pencil: pen, cuz they make the kind that dont smear...for us leftys
gloves or mittens: Gloves
food or candy: Food
cassette or cd: CD
coke or pepsi: Pepsi
matches or a lighter: Neither.
Rickie lake or oprah winfrey: opera

kill: oh the list is too long for here...
hear from: uh, no one
be like: me! duh!
avoid: superficial shallow people......grrrrrrr

talked to: my mother
hugged: *srugz*
instant messaged: Daneal
kissed: Dan...
who broke your heart: Dan...but i think we broke each other's heart

eat: um places....u know where they sell food...
dance: um, in the shower!
cry: On my bed
wish you were: new york city baby!!!!

Dated one of your best friends? yeah, dont do that...
Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? no
Drank alcohol? Never
Done drugs? Never
Broken the law? oh i download music online...miss. criminal me....
Ran away from home? no
Broken a bone? No.
Cheated on a test? um, to help sum1 else out
Skinny dipped? No.
Played Truth Or Dare? Of course
Flashed someone? Nope
Mooned Someone? Nope
Kissed someone you didn't know? i have kissed someone i didn't truely know....but i knew their name, some of what they were...i just didn't know who they were....u see?
Been on a talk show/game show? Nope
Been in a fight? what kind? verbal....lots of verbal
Ridden in a fire truck? No
Been on a plane? lots
Come close to dying? No.
Cheated on your Boy/Girlfriend? Nope
Gave someone a piggy back/shoulder ride? YUP! mexicali here i come
Eaten a worm/mud pie? no
Swam in the ocean? Yes
Had a nightmare/dream that made you wake up? Affirmative..

The most embarrassing CD in your collection? i dunno, i'm not embarrased about it....aw but once i had the Backstreet Boys...that's just wrong!
Your favorite thing for breakfast? pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs, hashbrowns mmm
Your favorite thing for lunch? bread, cheese, and salami
Your favorite thing for dinner? bread, cheese, and salami, or fish, or Italian food
Your favorite Restaurant? Geno's Italian Resturaunt

A Vegetarian: No. I like meat.
Good At Sports: i was okay, but i stopped
Good at wakeboarding/snowboarding: never tried either
A Good Singer: i can carry a tune...kind of
A good Actor/Actress? eh, not horrible
A deep sleeper: Yeah, definitely.
A Good Dancer: yeah, sure.....not amazing, but not bad or nuthin
Outgoing: Definitely.
A good storyteller: yeah, if i remember to keep on subject
Last words: "i'm a left-handed feminist...of course i'm this weird all the time!"
Running, Running   
10:19pm 25/01/2003
mood: melancholy
i feel like i'm running and running and not getting anywhere. i need some time to stop thinking. but always my parents and my self wont let me. i always seem to be doing something, having to go somewhere. it is horrible...i do not like it. it causes me panic, and this depression i am feeling right now. and at this moment i am feeling this hard. i seem unable to catch my breath. i wish i didn't care about my future...but i do...i rarely even live in the present, always regretting the past, or worrying of the future....but i must leave now, because i am growing tired...still i am not at peace...
05:24pm 25/01/2003
  Anger, hate
These are the emotions I knew
Or maybe what I know
I cannot tell
Too many emotions
Are running through my mind
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